on my way to square one

i have been away for too long but, now, i am going back to square one. to the place where broken hearts couldnt seem to touch me, where all i knew was laughters under the blue sky, where life's philosophy could be found in beautiful sunsets and bob guev's class.
bob guev is the guru. he was my philo teacher. he wasn't brad pitt hunky. he wasn't hunky at all but the moment he opened his mouth to speak, every single student in the class would have their light bulbs moment. i remember how in awe i was of him, how his teachings seemed so simple yet encompassing and transcending at the same time. and the best thing was, they were spoken, not in the antiquated language of aquinas or marcel BUT in the taglish filipino that everyone could understand and relate to.
i chatted with a fellow bobby guev-er from university a while ago and he gave me the link of another guev-er's blog. i saw a post which brought me back to my seat at SEC building, in bobby guev's class, a girl who wants to soak in every single wisdom the guru has to offer...

(a repost from kuya ubit's blog)


1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.."
2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. "Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala"

17. "Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan"

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

19. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakata kot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

LABS KO TO!

渡る

in two weeks' time, i will be saying goodbye to japan. to its cold winters and muggy summers, to its spring sakuras and serene autumn.
in two week's time, i will be saying goodbye to friends, to memories of him. but i guess certain memories, once stimulated flows to the top above the rest. i should be packing, but i came upon the diary i started when i was with the OZ bloke and time stopped as i read through the entries and remembered the silent moments, the spontaneous trips, the meals we made...

this is one of the entries:

they say time heals all wounds and transforms wails to laughters; tears to wistful smiles. one year and nine months, that was how long I cried for him. Not a single morning went by without me wishing he would share a cup with me; not a single sunset without wanting to hold his hands. One year and nine months of torturing myself over memories of , letting time pass me by just so i can stand still in the time when i was with him. A year and nine months of forced cheerfulness and lonely anguish.
Until YOU came.
You came, and now, weekends bring me happiness again.

taxing sexless nights!

there are three things one can do when one becomes an adult; get a driver's licence, have great sex and pay tax. the right to suffrage counts but not in my list.

two weeks ago i received a notice regarding my municipal tax payable. that amount was for 45,000 yen. then, a few days after, i received my annual tax payable schedule and i realized that the 45,000 yen was only for one quarter. all in all, i have to pay an accumulated tax of 180,000 yen, approximately 2,000 usd, a round trip plane ticket to australia! don't forget that the amount is only for municipal tax, this is apart from my monthly national tax deduction! 180,000 yen maybe affordable to foreigners who are only in japan to fend for themselves BUT for me, me who works for my beloved people back home, 180,000 yen unplanned expenditure is a big nightmare smudge in my budget!

i can console myself and say that at least i am not living in sweden where i have to pay about 35% income tax while bitching about the severely cold winter. however, i also think of income tax free havens like bahrain and brunei and that gets me back in the slump! in dubai, if a foreign resident converts to islam, the government exempts the convert from personal tax. i do not know if i am willing to go THAT far BUT it is definitely tempting.

i hate taxes! if there is any one whom i do not like, i will start referring to that person as TAX.
it is more wrenching to think that, even with only three months left in this country, i HAVE to pay the damn thing because i am applying for a tax exemption and refund from the exemption as head of the family. this might be a light at the end of this gloomy bureaucratic tunnel as the refund can be quite substantial BUT the glitch is that processing takes more than three months. so, by the time the government releases my refund, i will already be out of the country.

my head is really spinning. last week i got a toothache that refuses to go away, and since last friday, i have had diarrhea every single morning. my diagnosis; this is the physicall stress response to my tax payable!

this worry about taxes makes me realize that i am not a child anymore! i am definitely an adult now- one who can not drive,and more so, one who is having sexless nights but still have to pay taxes. tell me, where is the joy in that?

tanned and discriminated

riding a bike for almost an hour under the scorching summer kofu sun every single day is all what paris hilton should do to get the perfect tan. of course, she has to ride in a skimpy bikini to avoid the unsightly tan lines. that would be some sight, the traffic jam she would cause, Not the tan lines. i have done exactly this since summer started this year, RIDING my bike for an hour, and decently dressed. so now, i am at least three shades darker than my natural golden brown skin,and can be described as toasted. no matter how american my accent is, I can never be mistaken for anything else other than a national of a third world country.

i was riding my bike back home one night last week after work when i was stopped by a police car. when they asked me what i was doing riding my bike late at night, i faked a sheepish grin and replied in english, "i'm sorry i can't speak japanese." the highly testosteroned policewoman, far fiercer than the male policeman, continued to speak to me in japanes while i continued to smile and spoke to her in wnglish. she asked for my alien registration card which luckily, i brought with me that day. she asked me questions about my civil status, about my address, about my bike, about my work, about how to write my boss's name, about why i have three names (she was referring to my first name, my middle name and my last name), about why i rode my bike so late and other countless stupid questions which made hilton's antics more intellectually thought out. the fact that she was constantly frowning at me didn't help me to warm up to her. i honestly think that anyone could ever warm up to her. i pity her male partner. after about 20 minutes of japanese-english Q and A, the male policeman apologized for his lack of english to communicate with me, bid me goodnight and then they drove off leaving me baffled, indignant, nervous and relieved!

RACIST! when i asked them if there was any problem why they stopped me, the woman jsut said that they stop late night riders. she said it so casually and with so much "fake" written all over her face even when at least 3 riders rode past us when she interrogated me. if she had just told me that they stopped me because i was brown skinned and she was just being a pig, i would have soothed her and told her that she didnt look THAT bad. aaaaaarrrrgggghhh. if i had been white i am certain that she would really try her darnest to talk to me in english, splattering her sentences with apologies! heck if i had been white, she wouldn't have had stopped me at all.

i know there are many illegal filipinos, thais or indonesians workers in japan but, if the police force wants to crack down on bad bicycle riding people, they should do it across the board and not pick on brown skinned, or toasted skinned people for that matter, ONLY. when i told my boss about it, he jokingly said that he would not hire a filipina anymore as it might cause him trouble trying to save the filipino from the police. i didn't find it funny! this is exactly how prejudice is bred!! it starts out with stopping brown skinned bike riders then the next thing you know, employers all over would have skin tone preferences. how can such a country who boasts of very highly modern technology can still have such a medieval mind frame!!?? really!

if the government wants to catch the bad foreigners in this country, i think they should be looking into the statistics of japanese women who have shed a thousand tears because of a broken heart from their bastard of a white men boyfriends.

loving myself for much more

When the Aussie bloke and I ended and when he easily took up someone else (someone I considered a friend nonetheless), my self worth plummeted faster and much much lower than the US economy. I couldn't help but ask myself over and over again how she was better than I was, or what it was that she had which i didn't have, or why he chose her over me. It was maddening. Of course, I still had enough sensibility in me to know that the issue wasn't how she does her hair nor how I laugh; that the issue wasn't because I fart in front of him nor because she was feminine. The issue, I knew was not because she was better than I was because I still had pride in me to think that I was and still am quite a catch, the issue was HIS sense of judgement; it just so happened that he prefers peaches over mangoes. But, I needed to feel that I am still worth it to someone. I needed to truly believe in my value as a person and that I need not change things in me just to fit into men's desire. A week long trip was what I needed to go back to myself, and see that I will be alright.

I went to Hokkaido last week for Obon. Obon is a week long Japan holiday for the Japanese to remember their dead. For the English teachers though, it just means a week long holiday away from the repetitive "good mornings" and "how are you todays?". Hokkaido is the northernmost island of Japan and is notorious for its harsh -30C winter. In summer though, people go to hokkaido to cool off and enjoy its beautiful landscapes and wildlife. I went there to rediscover myself and boy, the place didn't dissappoint me.

I would never forget the happiness I was intensely suffused with while I cycled on the hills of Biei or took photos of flowers in Nakafurano or hiked in Shirogane. I was filled with a profound sense of union with nature that, although I am not a prayerful person, I whispered a prayer for all the people I love and those whom I find difficult to love. The huge expanse of gently rolling green hills with the mountain range in the distance made me so much grateful for the life that I have.

It was amazing as well to see the Obonodori festival dance in Sapporo; when people of different age, different backgrounds and with different sense of rhythm could just join in the dance and stamp their feet and clap their hands to the beat of the drums and to the encouragement of the singers! Otaru, a town an hour away, offered a calming walk along its canal even with the million tourists milling about. The entire trip was anything but short from rejuvenating and fun!

What really made the entire trip fun was the people I have met, talked with and travelled with. I met an American girl who has the exceptional ability to out-talk me and still have plenty of things to say about almost everything, the Domino's pizza shop people who drove me to my youth hostel when I asked for directions, a Korean girl who was so sweet and engaging, an Australian couple who were the most sensible strangers I have ever talked to, an Ojiji who gave me a box of cake as reparation for the biases that Japanese people have against Filipinos, another Ojiji who gave me a bottle of ice coffee, a Korean Aussie whom I gossiped with, and the coolest Japanese I have ever met and whom I am meeting with next week! Though alone, the camaraderie of solitary travellers always kept me company.

How to get there:

The cheapest way to go to Hokkaido is to go there by ferry either from Ibaraki or somewhere in Akita or Aomori or Niigata. I took the Sunfower ferry from Oarai to Tomakomai and it saved me a lot of money even during peak season. The trip took about 19 hours but the ferry has a sento, a restaurant, a pachinko place, vending machines, massage chairs and a theater to keep the passengers occupied. Of course if these things still aren't amusing enough, one can always put on the captain's jacket and cap for photos! Making a reservation for the ferry is easy as well as they have English speaking operators although during peak season, it is advisable to make one's reservation as early as two months before the date of departure.

Flying to Hokkaido might be faster but it is the most expensive way which could easily cost as much as 30000 yen from Sapporo to Tokyo, one way. There are several airlines which fly from the main island (from Tokyo or Osaka) to Hokkaido such as JAL , ANA, AirDo , and Skymark . Also there are several airports in Hokkaido so one can choose the airport conveniently close to the destination. Among the airlines serving the honshu-hokkaido route, Skymark is the cheapest one.

Training it to Hokkaido is another option although not at all the most convenient. First because one has to make several changes and the train doesn't have much entertainment to offer for its 10 hours long trip. The scenery along which the train runs is quite beautiful I heard but when one is seating on an aisle seat and is sandwiched between two snoring passengers, then it can get a bit vexing. However for train schedules visit grace-hyperdia for the cost and schedule of the JR trains running between Honshu and Hokkaido.

Where to stay:

The most expensive place to stay are hotels and ryokans. The cheapest and the best place to stay for backpackers are Youth Hostels. At Youth Hostels, one can meet alot of people from different parts of the world and just talk to them and gain new friends. I know I did. I stayed at Ino's Place in Sapporo and at Furano Youth Hostel in Nakafurano. Prices at youth hostels, unlike in other accomodation options, doesn't fluctuate with every season. The downside though is one has to share rooms with other people which means there is a chance that one might get awakened by somebody else's snoring or alarm going off or just by someone else's stink. I know I did! haha!

What to do:

Go nuts! There are plenty of things to do in Hokkaido all year round. May it be skiing in winter, or hiking in summer or flower viewing in spring or momiji viewing in autumn, this island won't run out of activities for its tourist. If none still interest you, you can always stay at the youth hostel and just read a book while sipping hot tea!

So, how much did I spend on that 7 days trip? A LOT but then again, for me to be able to feel loved by myself, to be truly happy from within, a month worth of salary isn't much. After all, one deserved to be loved as much, and if one can't give it to one's self, then no one can ever can.

(for more photos of my trip click on any of the photos)

one down, two more to go

i have never cared for lsits before until i started travelling. although a tangible list has never materialised, in my mind i have things i wanted to do, not before i die, but, before a certain condition. in china it had been to scale the great wall so i quit my job in guangzhou and went to beijing. in japan, the pinnacle was to climb mt.fuji. but, as time was running out for me here in japan with no opportunity nor companion to climb the mountain with, i was ready to cross that item off my list when michael, a filipino friend living in japan, said he and a couple of other friends were planning to climb it as well. i ended up forcing him to accept me as part of the group and he ended up conceding.

the climb was on the 20th of this month supposedly at 12 noon but because i failed to check the timetable of the bus which departs from kawaguchiko to the 5th station, i ended up making the guys wait for me for almost 4 hours. i guess i took the women's prerogative to be tardy quite too far this time, eh? of course i was terribly sorry and embarrassed but being the proud person that i am, i disguised it with a smile, and they readily accepted. such sweet men (and am one lucky woman)!

for the detailed account of the climb, click to gong's link on the sidebar.

i have to say that mt fuji in itself was not an interesting mountain to climb AT ALL. it was barren and filled with nothing but rocks! if it had been a woman, mt fuji would have been a bimbo (sorry for the term). it looks so magnificent from a far until you get to know it better and realized that it is empty. however, i was lucky enough to have climb it with the most interesting and the funniest men i have ever been with. the guys; gong, michael, kuya bernard, ruel and roy made the what-could-had-been-a-boring-and-dreadful thing a very fun experience. with michael's sense of adventure, we camped instead of staynig at a lodge. admittedly, i was quite hesitant at first but what the heck, i didn't have much choice as the lodges were fully booked and didn't accept walk in guests!i didn't regret my choice though. the site michael found had a magnificent view of the heavens. i have never seen such a beautiful night sky before than what i had seen that night! the moon was so red as it climbs its way up into the dark yet starry sky!

i was terribly hungry by the time the guys pitched the tent as i didnt eat anything the night before and only had my usual fare of coffee for breakfast. i was so starved and was ready to resigned myself to a dinner of canned food when michael and ruel whipped out a complete dinner which i couldn't have well prepared even in my own kitchen. i was so impressed! we had pork ribs soup, yakisoba and fried rice! yum!

we had a brief rest constantly interrupted by snoring and laughter! although restless as we were, we resumed climbing towards the peak at around midnight. it was 6 of us and hundreds of other climbers as well. it was like a fun run minus the fun and the running! at around 3 am, the horizon began to turn into a magnificent hue of indigo! i was more elated than tired. at around 430, although we were still far from the summit, we decided to stop for a bit, take our cameras and start posing! i have never seen such beautiful sunrise. it was so mesmerizing it made me want to cry, all the more because my camera ran out of battery! why? oh why?

after a brief rest, we climbed on! finally, at around 7 am, michael and i reached the summit, after ruel, bernard and roy did! there was no asking, all of us decided not to walk around the crater. if we had, it would have taken us at least an hour to do and drain us of our last ounce of energy. we could have died! hahaha! so we took a nap again, snapped some photos and started the descent.

oh before that, i called my mom on my cellphone as it was on the same day that my dad was to undergo a corneal transplant. when she learned where i was and and that i was with 5 men, she threw a fit on the phone! i wonder how she would have reacted had i told her that we all slept in the same tent! i bet she would have had flew to japan, scaled the mountain to the summit, dragged me down and flew me back to the philippines, all in a second! my mom is scary!

the descent was worse than terrible! this is the trouble with mountain climbing, because once one is at the top, one has to climb down again. and particularly for this mountain, going down was exceptionally dreadful! there was nothing but dust which turned my leather boots into interesting shades of brown and which clogged my nose with gravel! when the mist came to meet us from below, my hair dripped a despicable brownish liquid! yuck!!

anyway, skipping the dreadful part, gong, michael and i arrived back at the 5th station at around 1. we went to kawaguchiko to wash up a bit and to have lunch. then, we parted ways. i got home tired, muscles soaring in places i never thought existed in my body, my two toenails have now gone to live with the dead, and my body was begging for 20 hours uninterrupted sleep. i didn't concede, i straigh away went to my belly dancing lesson, rented shanghai knights and by the time it was 11 pm, i left jackie chan and owen wilson kung fu kicking on the screen. i drifted off to sleep; mt fuji was conquered, hokkaido, watch out for me in august!

thanks to barok english...

i have been wondering what to do with myself once i will go home and take a breather for at least a month. then, suddenly, as if by divine sign, i saw these funny pinoy signs on facebook and instantly, in between reeling in laughter and going to the toilet to pee, i had a vageu idea of what i would do while relaxing in perlas ng silanganan... here are the pix

FROM THE PHILIPPINES!!

( jojie alcantara's website )

(retiner,bres, and other oral accessories...with name mind you!)

FROM CHINA:

(USA BUCKS only accepts payment in dollar? i think...)

FROM JAPAN:

(courtesy of stephen)

(it's all about believing in the unbelievable...and then go WAO!)

nyahahahaha!!!!! the grand idea is still to keep on teaching english until people learn to use it properly. but, then again, proper english isn't much fun at all isn't it? now i am back in the slump, but at least i am already smiling,no, roaring in laughter! all these barok signs point out one thing though, one thing which is somehow a source of comfort for me; these signs just show that as long as there is still barok english out there, i can always (mimic) teach english, a temporary thing to do which keeps me afloat while i figure things out!

like a headless chicken

my male friends tell me to date men as if there is no tomorrow. my female friends say i should cry my heart out and binge on chocolates. my mother say i should pray. you told me to forget you. tell me, how does one stop thoughts on rainy monday mornings? how can one ask them to leave?

i am trapped in my apartment. it is pouring outside. i am pacing my tiny rokujo apartment not knowing what else i can do to keep myself busy. i should have gotten a psp and play super mario like crazy. i should study instead of staring out of the window into the rain wondering if you're keeping warm.

i should be strong enough. if only weakness doesn't exist...

Telling It As It Is. A Reply to The Wary Diplomat’s Blog Entry.

I was supposed to be studying for the National Medical Aptitude Test but while I was looking for my study material in my very disorganized hard drive, (I find it very disappointing that a thing which could automatically reboot, shutdown, or correct itself CAN NOT automically organize itself!) I found several articles which I had written and which never made it to the public view...so I am posting them here.

This article was written in response to my friend's blog entry about me. Unfortunately, she had erased her blog and had a new one, which doesn't feature yours truly.



悲欢离合. Joys and sorrows; partings and reunions. This is what traveling ultimately teaches a person.

Plane rides always give me a feeling of metaphysical suspension between the place left behind and the place of destination. It takes two hours from Tagbilaran to Manila; two hours; a good time to adjust from the slow and lazy life of Tagbilaran to the fast paced, time conscious life of Manila; from carinderias to MacDonalds, from Garden Café to Starbucks. When I was still in University, I already had this feeling that Tagbilaran wasn’t quite home anymore but I can’t quite call Manila that either. I had this premonition that I would constantly be hovering over the gray area between A and B. This feeling became more intense when I lagged behind my batch mates by one year after I decided to take a semester off from school and to take a minor in International Business. Different new faces from one class to another came and went and the old ones, well, reality had a way of distancing people to blur. So you see Wary Diplomat, I already had the premonition back then, this angst that I would always be swinging.

It came to a shock to my family when I told them that I was leaving for China . After all, none of them knew that I was really serious about going although, they heard me mentioned it over dinner once or twice before. Only my mother and my younger brother were at home when I left. Two hours after, I was already at the port boarding the last ferry to Cebu. I didn’t wait, I couldn’t. In hindsight, I think I was more like avoiding having to say a long goodbye with my family. I was never good with goodbyes, even until now, I’d rather leave in silence. 12 hours later in China, I saw the family pictures my younger brother so thoughtfully tucked into my backpack at the last minute. Wary diplomat, I didn’t gather enough courage to leave, I simply didn’t have time to check if I had enough of it which I didn’t. I had the feeling again I once had during plane rides. I spent a long time that night trying to sleep, staring at the ceiling cracks, shivering from February winter cold.

I studied at an exclusive school for girls and went to the best university in the country. I could sense that people treated me differently because of this, even admired me. However, it is an entirely different world abroad. No one knows what THE Ateneo was; or Holy Spirit was; or who the Corres were; HECK they didn’t even know that the Philippines was on the map!! In China, I was a tabula rasa to the people, they didn’t know anything about me and if ever I had worth, I had to prove it to them. I experienced discrimination, something absolutely new to me. When I was used to given preferential treatment because of my background, I had to give way to someone else because I didn’t have blue eyes or that my nose wasn’t long. I was given a lower salary not because it was at par to my competence but because it was the price they deemed right to my skin color. I was cheated off my contract, made to do manual labor; carrying heavy buckets of food, cleaning toilets, laundering children’s clothes when I had 3 house helps at home just so I didn’t have to do anything! The first impulse was to call home, get my Congressman Uncle to wage war against the city of Jiangmen unless they honor my contract, or worse, ask my mom to pick me up and bring me home! But, I didn’t do any of those ridiculously childish thoughts. Instead I tried to be diplomatic and mature about it and talked to my superior but when it still didn’t work, I screwed them up at their own game. I signed another contract just so I could get my bonus and then left the school without notice. In one year and five months, I realized that to be too trusting is not always good; to be kind is not always the right thing to do. I came to learn that no one can really be there for you; that one is ultimately alone, and so one has to be strong enough to stand up for one’s self.

Karma. The law of equal and opposite reaction. Yin and yang. Tears in Jiangmen, happiness in Beijing. Bliss came in the form of a walking hairball (hihihi). And after a month or so of seeing each other at work for only ten minutes, once a week; I successfully managed to make a lover out of a stranger. I learned to allow myself to fall. I rode at the back of his bicycle around WuDaoKou laughing myself silly. I willingly gave my hand to be held in public places. It was liberating not to care about who might see me, or what other people might think (“Ang landi landi, sa harap ng maraming tao, nagpapahawak ng kamay!”), or what they would say to my family, or what my family would do!! I honestly think that if I were still in Tagbilaran, I would never get to know the tingling five o’clock feeling of knowing that his bicycle was outside waiting for me. I know I would never have come to know the excitement of seeing someone I had just said goodbye to on the phone. I would never get to experience that want for everything to be perfect to please another. I would never get to know why people sometimes have that silly smile without any reason at all. Wary diplomat, this is what it has done to me; it liberated me from the senseless shackles of what I’ve been taught to do and not to do and to make for myself my own mould. Of course it came to pass that I cried but as cliché as it might sound, I would never have it any other way.

after sex, after lust, after love

Hold it! Before you click the "flag inappropriate content" button somewhere on this page, hear me out first.

Last night, I watched a movie off the internet entitled "After Sex" not because i was feeling horny BUT because I was curious. The movie doesn't have the usual script. It is a quilt of different scenarios of what happens after sex between homosexual couples, heterosexual ones, between "just friends", between stangers, between old timers, and between disillusioned ex lovers. Surely, everyone will find themselves in one of the 9 scenarios and will be left giggling ang sighing.

The movie opens with "love is a leap of faith. it's like throwing yourself out there without any guarantees!", goes through "You're forgetting the first gay couple, R2D2 and C3PO." and ends with "I am honest...I am not ashamed of who I am..."

In the end, After Sex is all about the truth that people find about themselves and about the relationship before the morning comes, when the lights are turned off, after sex.

(trailer)
http://www.supernovatube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=1191238962

trust me on this one. watch it!

blame it on the stars

Date of Birth: February 20,1981
Time of Birth: 12 noon
Place of Birth: Tagbilaran City, Philippines

click OK

What follows is your personal natal chart information, as well as interpretations of the positions and aspects in your chart.

Tagbilaran 0 Philippines 02/20/1981 12:25 - Julian day 2444655.68Adjust -8.00 ST 22.40 Lat 9.39 Long -123.51

Pisces is a sensitive sign—both sensitive to criticism and sensitive to others' feelings. They believe in people, are deeply hurt by compassionless human behavior, and have a hard time saying no.Many Pisces seem almost allergic to things like shopping lists, maps, directions, and instructions, and for some brave souls, even watches — they prefer to feel their way through life than to follow some plan.She is compassionate and sentimental.

You have a deep need to understand the world around you. You have high ideals and you have your eye on what's on the horizon. You are looking ahead, and at times can seem quite restless. You are proud of your knowledge and of your morals.

Your opinions are usually strong and you are an independent thinker.You are also very witty and others enjoy your playful and sometimes mischievous sense of humor.

Your identity rides on your sense of personal freedom. You are a very dynamic person who questions tradition and authority, yet, paradoxically, you can be quite set in your ways! Although a humanitarian in many ways, you can be a little brusque when it comes to sentimentality or what you perceive to be excessive attachment to the past or to tradition.

Her thirst for knowledge is never satisfied. She is full of mental activity. She undertakes exhaustive studies, always studying for pleasure. Likes journeys to faraway places, and can go to live abroad.She cannot stay in the same place, likes change even if it means a backward step in her professional career.

Her emotional and sex life is powerful and rich. She lives out truly passionate love affairs.Finds love abroad or marries a foreigner.She is very happy abroad.Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.Either marriage with a foreigner, or a marriage abroad, or marriage with a foreigner abroad.

Makes a good mother, watching over her children, spending the night in an armchair near a sick child, caring for and calming him/her with patience. Knows how to look after her home perfectly, how to iron out difficulties by her practical sense and thanks to her intelligence.

Natural death in very old age. Inheritances.

That's myself there folks! And people say that one's personality is a product of socialization and genetics, well, they couldn't be more wrong, it's all in the stars!

http://astro.cafeastrology.com/

time

i am not okay. weeks after the phone call i still turn my neck whenever a yellow car passes by, hoping that it was his, coming to pick me up; my heart still skips a beat whenever i hear a car revved, i still sleep on my side as if he is beside me hugging me to sleep. i still use his coffee cups, i still drink with his glasses, take photos with his camera, listen to his music. people tell me i should throw away these things so that forgetting would come easier. i can't. he was a part of me. he made me happy until it ended. throwing away the things he gave me seems to me that the sadness weighs more than the happiness i had with him. so i hang on to the remnants of pain and bliss.

people tell me too that time heal all wounds, that one day i will not dream of him anymore, that i will stop analyzing how it could had been better. this i truly believe in but how long will i stay this way?i believe that i have to wallow in my sadness so that i can wash it away clean. just when that washing will come, i still don't know. time, may time be merciful on me and come sooner. may it lick my wounds close, but may it leave me with my scars that i may not forget.

coffee politics

since i came into the right to suffrage, there had been many elections in the philippines which i didn't vote for. it used to be because i had important thesis to do or some other schoolwork but then after university, ignorance of philippine politics and being jaded of the trapo (trash) politics became the reasons why i haven't voted in any elections.

don't get me wrong, i came from a family of political background but i really do not know why my cousins or uncle or the countless other politician relatives were elected to office. first of all, philippine politicians do not have clear cut idealogy. and even if they do, they have to articulate it in a very simplified language that the masses can undesrtand...which isn't much. so philippine politics has basically become a politics of pizaz and jazz, of mud slinging and vote buying. so tell me, who wouldn't be weary in all these things?! however, because i still believe that the filipino people deserve someone sensible than the incumbent ones, i have volunteered to non partisan vote counts whenever i can.

it was only recently that my interest in politics was born. it may just be unfortunate though that i became fascinated in american politics rather than the home grown ones. i have been following the primaries since it started thanks to cnn's the situation room's video podcasts.i am amazed at how different a republican's stand is from a democrat's on issues such as international politics, the economy, and social security! further, i am impressed at how each candidate know their policies so well and can navigate around them so deftly that they defend their policies so strongly to be different and better than the other's. i am astounded at how the political analysts know very well the demographic of each state thus enabling them to predict who would win in a certain primary!

my store of politcal jargon has already included words such as the starbucks voters; those educated yuppie uppity (NOT ELITIST! mind you)voters who are pro obama, and the dunkin donut voters; those blue collar workers and single mothers for clinton. if the electorate demographic in the philippines would be defined according to the coffee that they drink, there would be the roasted rice voters, the hand to mouth who drink coffee made from boiling roasted rice in water, and the 3-in-1 voters, the haves and educated ones. however, these two vote not much according to a candidate's platform of government but more on how much each candidate is willing to pay for their votes....(quack, quack, quack, quack!)

two days ago, i saw these interviews of sen. clinton and sen. obama by cnn's wolf blitzer. it strikes me as odd how sen. clinton got the vase of roses as her background while obama has the picture of the white house behind him...hhhhmmmm is that indicative of which candidate cnn is secretly supporting?

(wolf blitzer's interview with sen obama)http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2008/05/08/tsr.obama.interview.full.cnn?iref=videosearch

(wolf blitzer's interview with sen clinton)
http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2008/05/14/tsr.clinton.interview.cnn?iref=videosearch

of course people say that sen.clinton should quit the race but, i say jia you to her. fight on till the bell rings! whether it's sen. obama or sen. clinton, they'll surely win against sen.mccain. it just bother me though as both democrats once said on an interview that when they become the president, they would cut US outsourced international business operations! if this is true, then i suspect that many filipinos who are working for call centers or in the IBO industry might have to go jobless! but then again, that isn't until november.

(i am not making any sense in this post am i, i truly believe so, politics isn't just my cup of kape)

it's not in the age

it is 6.30 in the morning and my tranquil morning coffee time is disturbed by the ringing of the bells of the local jinja. an announcement in japanese then came on (i didn't fully understand the announcement but it somehow went like this) ;

"Ms. So and so has been missing since yesterday afternoon. She went out for a walk at around X time. She has gray hair, 130 cm tall, X kg. She was wearing a green X, brown pants, and a hat. If anyone has seen her, please call Mr.X at X number..."

when i heard this kind of announcement for the first time sometime back in 2006, i was immensely surprised. how could a family just let their old walk about alone? it would never happen in the philippines! how busy can a family be that none of them could be left home to look after the elderly? how lonely the elderly must feel; spending their days in dreadful routine of eating and walking about with no one to talk to and nothing else to do.

every time i see an ojiji (an old man) or an obaba (an old woman), with backs so hunched low because of osteoporosis, crossing a road or a street alone, my heart always goes out to them! once, i went to a burger place where the staff's uniform was green shorts, light green shirt and white sneakers, i was attended to by an old woman who could be older than my mother, and my mom' already 63! i couldn't help but notice how her fingers were so wrinkled when she punched in my order.

if only i could speak japanese, i would volunteer to talk to these lonely old people. they are fun to talk to. once i walked to work instead of riding my bicycle and this obaba who was from a place 30 minutes train ride away (that's what she told me) walked with me and we started to chat. although it was clear to both of us that we couldn't understand each other, we just kept on blabbing away! i wondered if she ever made it back home!

i used to want to rush to the elderly and help them until one day, i saw an obaba beating a younger woman who was just trying to help her stood up when she fell. japan has very strong and independent obabas and ojijis.

but strong as these old people may be, they must be terribly lonely with nothing else to look forward to, not even the yearly short visit that their children or grandchildren pay them with, not even the quiet kocha time in the afternoon when they can go back to the memories of their younger days; a past which will slowly fade away in time. nothing to look forward to but the coming of death. death which mercilessly doesn't come along until they are around 93. when they are eating away vitamins and supplements instead of food. when they are already so sick and alone.

my boss is 56 years old. he is single and basically lives in the office already. he goes to the office at 10 a.m. and leaves at around 4 in the morning the following day. he rarely goes out with friends and made nissin cup ramen his daily staple. when he got sick, i made him soup and would sometimes buy him take out just so he wouldn't have to eat the concoction of msgs and poor semblance of food. i would always stay behind for at least 10 minutes at the end of the day to talk to him about anything just so he wouldn't feel so lonely. whenever i go out of the office door, i would always remind him not to stay up so late and not to smoke. he would smile to me and say, "thank you" in almost a whisper. then, i would close the door, make my 30 minutes bike ride home, open my door to my empty apartment, tired, alone, no weekends to look forward to; i would mumble to myself, "loneliness doesn't choose it's prey."

真夏は果実

涙があふれる悲しい季節は
誰かに抱かれた夢を見る
泣きたい気持ちは言葉に出来ない
今夜も冷たい雨が降る

こらえきれなくてため息ばかり
今もこの胸に夏は巡る

四六時中も好きと言って
夢の中へ連れて行って
忘れられない Heart & Soul
声にならない
砂に書いた名前消して
波はどこへ帰るのか
通り過ぎ行く Love & Roll
愛をそのままに

マイナス100度の太陽みたいに
身体を湿らす恋をして
めまいがしそうな真夏の果実は
今でも心に咲いている

遠く離れても黄昏時［たそがれとき］は
熱い面影が胸に迫る

四六時中も好きと言って
夢の中へ連れて行って
忘れられない Heart & Soul
夜が待てない
砂に書いた名前消して
波はどこへ帰るのか
通り過ぎ行く Love & Roll
愛をそのままに

こんな夜は涙見せずに
また逢えると言って欲しい
忘れられない Heart & Soul
涙の果実よ

noypi-aussie stat

Mimie, once she knew he was Australian, immediately told me, in an as-a-matter-of-fact manner that 90 % of Filipinas who are with Australians are murdered by their partners. Who knows where she got this fact from or if there was any truth in it at all; she who disliked my Jewish ex boyfriend because it was the Jews who crucified Jesus Christ.(My mother is a devout Catholic and perhaps she felt the need to avenge the Savior’s death by depriving me of happiness.) I told her that 90% is quiet a high number, it would mean that in every 100 Filipinas only 10% would live and who knows in what condition they are surviving; in constant fear I would presume, what with the statistic menacingly hanging over their heads like a pall. One small domestic argument and the poor Filipina could be a part of the statistic.
The population of the Filipinas I imagine will eventually be in negative rate. The remaining others would be paired off with other nationalities for which my mother has some inauspicious statistics readily fabricated, and tailored according to her opinion. And why on earth does it only have to be Filipinas? Her statistic is exclusive only to the female of the bunch, not Filipinos. Sure Filipinas are small and appear to look fragile as compared to their Aussie would-be murderer, but believe you me, there are Australian women who could topple a strong Filipino man with just a single punch!
I have pondered about what my mother’s statistic really means, and I had told him about it. It had became a running joke between us, e.g. “So, is that how you are planning to make me unsolved case number X?” and, it would always send us reeling in laughter. Sitting now though, months after my mother’s now-infamous Filipina-Aussie Statistics, I am alive and well, but, I get the feeling that I am already halfway to my grave when he told me that he never was in love with me.

Sometime Back in 2005~2006

Either on a train to Beijing or to Hangzhou/ or on a beach in Hase Kamakura.

It is futile to fight what you feel; it is insanity to hold back the passion for it will only come back far stronger. Let it flow. Wallow. Indulge. Open the dam and let the raging tides turn and smash the stones together until all is empty. For only then can you close the gate back again and rebuild that which has been destroyed. If you should choose this way, then, we would be treading the same path.
It is not in my place to be wise. I still have a few more years to live before I can sit and ponder. But, if you would be arrogant enough to act the sear, then I say…

I am still not far from that time and place. In fact, it seemed that I haven’t really moved at all…